The Mother Wound

As I write this, I am sitting  in sunny Florida, 1500 miles from my home in cold Massachusetts.  For those who would say how lucky I am to be here, instead of there, I would respond with the fact that I wish to go home.

**The Mother Wound**

I’m  here to take care of my 83 year old mother, touch base with her doctor and set up services for her with Medicaid, which took me seven months to get her approved for.  She is not in good shape physically and it’s my guess that it won’t be long until she is completely immobile.  She has a new diagnosis of early dementia and I see the deterioration in her mind and memory.  I take my responsibilities very seriously and, so , here I am.  

I have always believed in my heart that the mother/daughter bond should be a strong one, so when it is not, it is painful, an experience that I know I am not alone in feeling.   Through the years I have always had people who know my mother and then meet me say, “your mother is so wonderful!”.  It’s hard not to respond with “yes, but she is not your mother”.   

Do I know how awful this sounds to one’s ears?  Yes, I most certainly do.  However, at best, she was neglectful and had a tendency to abandon me; well, maybe abandon is a harsh word, but that is how I have always seen it.  When something happens to you as a child, you see through the eyes of a child and, sometimes, you always see it through the eyes of the child you once were.  I was given to my grandmother to raise at birth; to me, she was my mother and when she passed through the veil when I was 6-7, I was devastated and here I am so many years later, still wishing she were here.  My mother always told me that my grandmother *took* me; in my heart, I knew better then and  had it confirmed recently that she just really wanted to live her own life unencumbered.  Upon my grandmother’s death, I did,  finally,  go to live with my mother,  who was separated from my father.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, she was gay (never ever an issue), and we went to live with her partner.  If there were time off from school, I was sent away – this aunt and uncle, then to that aunt, and then to the aunt who took me in for every school vacation for the next six years.  Apparently this aunt knew exactly what was happening and was quite aware that if I were not with her, I would be alone. I don’t know how my cousins felt about my being plopped into their lives for 4 months each year; I was young enough to never think to ask; I hope it was not too burdensome for them.  My mother and her partner traveled, partied, lived their lives. If they had a party, I was to be not seen (after saying hello politely) and definitely not heard.  This was my life.  I was a quiet, shy, introverted child.  I was to never misbehave or speak out of turn.   I will not share some of  the things that I could as they are personal and extremely painful.

For decades now, I have been a daughter of the Goddess; I so love that phrase.  I practice a Goddess based spirituality and honor Her in Her aspects as Maiden, Mother and Crone.  While I am now Crone myself and identify with Her in that form, I still revere Her mostly as Mother.  As I tend to be fairly introspective normally, this visit to my mother has made me even more so.  It has been a difficult visit, which in and of itself is a complete understatement.  

My thoughts have run to whether or not I am so drawn to the Goddess as Mother because I have not truly had a mother figure in my life since my grandmother passed.  

My observation has been that many adult women have difficult relationships with their mothers and I wonder why that is.  Is it because of some weird competition for some mothers?  Is there some deeper psychological meaning behind it, or is it that some women just should not have children at all?  I am at a loss to define it.    I find it doubly difficult because I do have this type of relationship with my own daughter.  We are mother-daughter, but we are also friends. 

Through the years, when I have spoken to other women who have damaged relationships with their mothers, some severely, I have always thought of this as “the Mother Wound”.  Children, in general, suffer tremendously when they have less-than-perfect relationships with either parent; however, I find that the mother daughter bond, when broken, leaves behind a much deeper hurt, one that is difficult, if not impossible, to overcome later in life.  As the girl-child gets older and more fully realizes the damage that has been done, it can leave a resentment and bitterness that will never leave her.  If she continues to have some type of relationship with the mother, it often remains  difficult.  If the adult daughter tries to confront and discuss the past, she may find herself rebuffed or downright disbelieved.  I have found this to be true for other women who have shared their stories with me and I know it is true with me; my mother has always been the queen of spin.  

The Mother Wound strikes deep, and it strikes hard.  Fortunate is the woman who does not let it affect her relations with her own children, if she has them.  Lucky is the woman who realizes where the damage comes from and attempts to heal her damaged heart and spirit.  

This, I believe, is why I, personally, turn to the Goddess as Mother in times of grief and  troubled times, why I go to Her for comfort.  Unlike my mother-on-earth, the Goddess is always there for me,  for guidance, help and direction.  All I need do is open my heart and listen to what she has to say to me.   I have never known  Her to let me down.

First Force of all Creation, To You I Bow                                                                                                        Divine Force Everywhere, To You I Bow                                                                                                     Creative Force, Primal Force, To You I Bow                                                                                              Rising Up, Divine Mother, To You I Bow                                                                                                          ~~ Nirinjan Kaur, “Adi Shakti”

Thoughts and comments are welcome.

Goddess Isis Ritual

 

Last month, January, 2016, I was angered and saddened over the use of Isis’ name by  the terrorist group Daesh, I wrote about the Egyptian Goddess Isis, which you can read here.  I was reminded of all that I knew of Her, and again, heartbroken that this group, and the media which report of them, continue to call them by Her name, and not ISIL, the Islamic State, or by the term, Daesh, which they hate.   

As someone who follows a Dianic/Goddess-based spirituality, I decided to put my sadness and outrage to use and write the following Goddess Isis  Ritual.  If you lean in that spiritual direction, or even if you just want to fight against terrorism, I invite you to do this ritual.  I did it for several nights and found a temporary peace in doing so.  

ISIS RITUAL
You will need:

— Representation of Isis (statue, photo)
— One large white candle to reclaim Her name
— One large black candle to diminish the terrorists who have stolen Her name

— One green candle, which is sacred to Isis

— Incense – Choose one: Egyptian Musk, Cinnamon/Frankincense. If unable to find
any of these, use Sage for cleansing.

— Rose Geranium oil (Rose is sacred to Isis); if unable to find, olive oil will be fine.

— Dress in white, with the colors of teal, blue, red, black and gold as borders or accessories

— Bell (optional)

********************

Before doing this ritual, take a bath in sea salt to cleanse and purify.

Anoint yourself with the oil and dress yourself in your ritual clothing.

Cast your circle per your own tradition.

Ring the bell to open your ritual.

Stand (or sit, depending) before your Isis altar and close your eyes. Breathe in deeply through the nose and exhale. Bring all of your visual focus to Isis. Deeply inhale the Presence of Isis. Exhale. Deeply inhale the Breath of Isis. Exhale. Ask Isis for Her Blessing and open yourself to Her, continuing to breath in Her presence.

Light the Green candle and say:

All Hail Isis
Maiden, Mother, Crone
You, who were there in the Beginning
and from Whom all things come
I call upon you
Bless my sacred space with your presence

All Hail Isis
Goddess of Ten Thousand Names
You who are all things,
The Air we Breathe, The Water that is our Blood,
The sacred Earth beneath our feet, the fire that is our Spirit
I call upon You
Bless my sacred space with Your presence

All Hail Isis
Giver of Life and ReBirth
You whose Magick Made the World
I call upon You
Bless my sacred space with Your presence

Stop here and once again do the beginning breath sequence.

All Hail Isis
I come before you today
to beseech you to reclaim Your Name;
Reclaim and be made stronger once again.
As this candle burns,
As the flame flickers and becomes strong and steady,
so, too, will your presence once again become a beacon
in the world
Isis, Weave Your Magick
So Mote It Be!

(Light the White Candle)

All Hail Isis
Reclaim Your name
Which has been stolen from You
to be used for the evil that men do.
As this candle burns,
As the flame flickers, the evil that has co-opted Your name
will diminish and disappear as the candle disappears
with each lighting.
Isis, Weave Your Magick
So Mote It Be!

(Light the Black Candle)

Sit quietly before the altar, bringing your attention to the candles and to your intention. Do this for as long as it comfortable for you. When done, breathe deeply and open your eyes, and say:

All Hail Isis
Goddess of Ten Thousand Names
You, who were there in the Beginning
and from Whom all things come
I thank and honor You for Your Presence
within my sacred space
Be in Peace, Be in Peace

Close the Circle as per your own tradition.

The Circle is open, but unbroken
in Perfect Love, in Perfect Trust

Continue to burn the candles for nine (9) consecutive nights with the invocations.

IMG_1280
(Photo: My Isis Altar)

@ShaktiWarriorSpirit 2016

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